Pause. Reflect. Look Back to Look Forward.
I have been journaling consistently for nearly two years now. While it is triggering to go back and look where I started, it is also a sure sign of progress – I feel like I am reading a stranger’s thoughts, and it feels invasive. I have to remind myself that that was me. Is me. Is who I would be. Could be. Am thankful to not be right now. As mentioned yesterday, my salvation is secured…but sanctification is a life-long process. I generally believe the old adage, “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” - not in all ways, sometimes good things happen and I believe that all good things are from above (James 1:17), but I check myself on this. The enemy loves confidence. We don’t look over our shoulder when we feel safe and secure. We don’t check the map when we think we know the way. We don’t ask for help when we believe we are wholly capable. The truth is we should always have an undertone of humility. The only place we can feel safe, secure, correct and capable is in Jesus.
“Be soberminded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the GOD of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
-1 Peter 5:8-10
I must be watchful. I must stay humble. I must keep God’s truths near and accessible so when the lies of the enemy try to enter, the attempts are futile. If you have not been journaling, I challenge you to start today. Even if it is small blurbs about your day, your mood, your feelings. Something to reflect on later.
I looked back at my journal entry from the morning after rock bottom a year ago. I recounted a dream I had the night before. Some dreams are just plain weird but I do believe that dreams can have a meaning or be a revelation of your subconscious. The Bible has many examples of dream interpretation, what came to mind first for me was Joseph interpreting the dreams of the cupbearer and the baker and ultimately, once remembered, Pharaoh’s dreams (Genesis 41). When I have a vivid dream that I fully remember when I wake up (this does not happen often), I like to Google it to see if it could mean something. As I read this again I fully recall details of this dream and can imagine it again if I close my eyes but I haven’t thought of it since then. That evening I dreamed that I was in my car and was trying to get somewhere. My map was telling me one way but I saw another route that was clearly faster - would save me time but it was a very steep hill and I wasn’t sure my SUV could make it to the top. Think roller coaster steepness. I was flooring it the whole time and scared to take my foot off the pedal lest my car start rolling backwards. I finally got to the top with my car creeping over the edge of the hill, only to see that the top of the hill didn’t connect to anything. I’m just glad I woke up before I had to figure out how to go back down. I wrote down a messy smattering of what I found on Google and I didn’t write much else about it other than I could see accuracies in all of the suggestions.
I decided to re-research this dream and what it could mean. Based on what I wrote then, I think I left off the “dead end” part of the steep hill. I cannot tell you how much this represents where I was a year ago. I have goosebumps reading it now.
Frustration with Goals: The steep hill represents challenges or ambitions, but reaching a dead end suggests that you may feel blocked or unable to achieve your goals. This could indicate a need to reassess your path or strategy.
Feeling Trapped: This dream may symbolize feelings of being trapped in a situation, whether in your career, relationships, or personal life. The dead end reflects a lack of options or a sense of hopelessness.
Reevaluation of Choices: It might be a sign to evaluate the choices you’ve made. Are you pursuing the right goals? The dead end could be prompting you to reconsider your direction and make necessary changes.
Emotional Buildup: The steep climb can represent the effort you’ve put into something, while the dead end highlights unresolved feelings or issues that have not been addressed.
Need for New Perspectives: The dream could suggest that it’s time to look for alternative routes or solutions. If one path isn’t leading you where you want to go, it may be time to explore new opportunities.
This represents the solid floor that I bounced off of to change trajectory. Ultimately, this was my true humble beginning. I was out of energy, ideas, and options. I felt as though I couldn’t move forward, and we all know you can’t go back. I’ll allow Paul to finish this paragraph because I could never articulate it as beautifully -“…But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…" (Ephesians 2:4-8).
So I took the only route left available to me because I am as stubborn as they come. I let it go. I stopped striving. I stopped trying to prove to no one in particular that I could get through it myself using willpower and grit alone. But I don’t mean I began drifting along with no action and no purpose. I mean I finally let God in. I could stay there at the top of the hill leading no where, a mirror image of rock bottom, or I could be carried down from the top of that steep hill/carried up from that rock bottom. The God of the mountain is the God of the valley. (https://open.spotify.com/track/4rnoCR7AOaa6RWdyh7JgP0?si=57671fb7a3c748e6).
